Are the sins of my father, my cross to bear???

Is a healthy relationship between a woman and her father a prerequisite for her having a healthy relationship with her man or her husband? If so do girls like me who lack this qualification stand a chance at being lucky on love?

I have always been fascinated with married women. They seemed to possess something that I wasn’t quite sure was attainable for me. The idea and concept of marriage is one that is a great point of contention in my life. While the concept of a wedding is something that I can fully conceptualize, marriage itself is something that I have a hard time digesting. Vowing to spend the rest of my life with someone and not mess it all up is a hard pill to swallow.
It never occurred to me that my relationship with my father or lack thereof was responsible for my disdain toward the idea of marriage. It wasn’t until the complexities of my “father figure” experience was brought up in an argument with my ex-fiancé did I even explore this possibility. In a heated exchange my ex informed me that he had found that he only has successful fulfilling relationships with women that had a positive relationship with their fathers. He went on to say that our relationship never had a chance because I didn’t. At the time I thought he was being cruel, and trying to hurt my feelings. But was he on to something?
I was fixed up by a friend on a blind date. She had someone in mind that she thought I would be compatible with. He was an accountant, college educated very handsome, very articulate. I didn’t think I had anything to lose by going out with this guy. The two of us agreed to meet for lunch. I thought he was handsome indeed. First impressions seemed to be positive for each of us. The minute we were seated he began asking me questions about my childhood and my family relationships. The vibe had quickly changed and the air between s was thick. I felt as if I were on the witness stand. The questions came with rapid fire.

“Are your parents still together?”

“How old were you when they divorced?”

“What is your relationship with your father like?”

I tried to answer the questions in the same rapid succession that he asked them in.

“No…I was 9…we speak occasionally”

It seemed as if all of my answers registered with him, but he kept speaking in the same condescending tone as before.

“Ok” he said “I can tell you now that this is not going to work. I don’t date women who were raised in a single-parent home. I especially don’t date women who do not have a healthy relationship with their fathers.”

This was this man’s first time meeting me. We had not even been at the table for 20 min. We had only got as far as ordering drinks. No food yet. I hadn’t even opened my menu. He came to this date with his barrage of questions and an agenda. There was no attempt to connect with me as an individual. I was all dolled up, and smelling good. I brought my “A” game to the date. My signature scent or my skinny jeans could deter this man from his mission. His life experience had taught him what works for him and he had no time to waste. By this time it was apparent that this was no “Love Connection”, I knew there would not be a second date.

Feeling that I had nothing to lose I asked him if he could explain his theory. He was more than happy to share his thoughts with me. In his opinion women raised by their mothers had no idea what a man was made of.

“Men might as well be UFO’s to them, they don’t know what normal interaction between a man and woman looks like. They don’t know their lines” he said

So I asked “What if you met a woman that you liked, and she was willing to learn how to have a healthy relationship, would it be worth it for you to help her understand what you need?

He boasted how his parent had been married for 50 years and that he didn’t want to be a grown woman’s daddy.

“My parents have worked hard building our family’s lineage; I can’t ruin that by taking in a wife from a broken home”

We never ordered dinner. We said our very polite good-byes and I was on my way. On the drive home I kept replaying the conversation over in my head. For a brief moment I thought that I might lie the next time I was asked about my relationship with my father. I could say that it’s great. After all, this was the 2nd time my father’s irresponsibility came up in respect to my romantic endeavors. Then I decided that the problem was bigger than me was something that didn’t deserve my focus or my energy.

The facts stand as they are. I cannot change who I am or who I came from. The fabric of my very being was woven out many unconventional, un-ortodoxed experiences. My character was developed out of what life has given to me and what I have learned to live without. I wouldn’t trade, alter or misrepresent any of my life experiences that make me who I am for anything in the world. Not even a husband.